No Couth in the Elevator

Another day, another dollar. Well, let’s rethink that one. The phrase that would apply to me goes as follows: Another day, another measly dime. Bastards.

I was already fifteen minutes late to work. On top of all the madness, someone had parked in my parking space on the first floor, forcing me to continue the endless circles around the parking deck up to the top level. Damn this day.

Walking up to the office in a daze, I noticed that she was getting on the elevator. I slowed my step so I would not have to ride with the receptionist. Damn, she annoyed the hell out of me. The last elevator ride, she reached into my bag, helping herself to a pack of my Extra gum, the pink kind.

“I’m gonna thieve me some of that gum, girrrrrl.”

I spent the rest of the day wondering what the hell just happened.

As the doors were closing, I thought I was safe. Low and behold, Sticky Fingers spotted me. She quickly shoved her arms between the closing doors only to reveal her latest nail design. Who would have thought that an entire Smurf Decal could fit on a person’s pinky nail?

“Hey, girrrrrl. Get on here and ride.”

Damn. I put one arm over my pocket book, glancing down to make sure nothing was in plain view for her to thieve.

When Office Manager saw me walk in with Sticky, she looked at me like, “Get your ass over here, I got some gossip.” I had seen that look before, so I ran my ass over to her neck of the cubicles.

“You ain’t gonna believe what happened with Sticky Fingers?“

I inquired immediately. “I ain‘t getting any younger. Tell me.“

“She got caught yesterday by Shocki stealing some damn pop tarts from the store downstairs.”

After she told me that Shocki was the Asian lady’s real name that ran the store downstairs and she wasn’t being a complete racist bitch, I couldn‘t believe the words coming out of her mouth. I knew the bitch was a thief, but I thought a harmless one at that. Now that I think of it, she probably stole all the leftover pork from our summer barbecue.

All the girls and I were so excited about that pork for lunch the next day. We had made arrangements to meet in the kitchen at 12 sharp to dig into that swine like nobody’s business. I opened the fridge to find that the pork was missing in action; yet, the hamburger buns were still sitting on the counter.

I went ballistic. I wanted to send an email to the entire office to hold a meeting so I could smell everyone’s breathe for pork. Yes, I was overreacting a bit, but that was a lot of pork.

Sticky Fingers had stolen that pork. I was sure about that now.

“Is she getting fired for stealing the pop tarts?” I immediately envisioned elevator rides free of Sticky. No more tight grip on my bags, no more decaled fingernails, most importantly, leftovers would actually be left over. It truly was a dream come true.

“She didn’t steal from the company, so there is no way that we can fire her.”

“What about the fucking pork?”

Office Manager looked at me like I was crazy. Did that make her a suspect? I didn’t have time to solve the pork mystery right now, but I immediately asked office manager for a key to lock my pocketbook up in my drawer. Bring it on, Sticky, you stole my gum, but you ain’t gonna steal my fake Christian Dior.

With all the excitement, I had to go pee. Unfortunately, I had to walk by the front desk where Sticky resided.

“Hey, girrrrrl. You wanna see my new tattoo.”

What the fuck? I was so beside myself that I wet myself a little.

“Sure, what did you get? Sticky Fingers 4-eva?

“Is that a new band?”

Most thieves are smarter than Sticky, but, as you can see, she wasn’t the brightest apple in the bunch.

“Are you going to show it to me or not. I am about to wet my self.”

It was a butterfly on the small of her back, how original. By this time, my eyeballs were floating, but I had to update Office Manager on the latest gossip with Sticky. How the hell could Sticky afford a tattoo, but not a pop tart?

This is the question that I must leave you with to ponder. Talk amongst yourselves because I am about to burst. Gotta go pee…..

People of the corporate world, listen up……

Number one, don’t ever hold the elevator for someone unless direct eye contact is made. Number two, don’t get a butterfly tattoo anywhere on your body. Those are out like Panama City. Last but certainly not least, number three, don’t take anyone’s pork. It leads to mistrust and office gossip.

©2007 Jessica Smith