The Uncouth Go to Lunch

Unfortunately, the series continues. I am forced to experience too much due to my current seating arrangement.

We hired another employee to help with the account. I will have to admit that she is not the prettiest of pretty. If that wasn’t enough, she is also cursed with a case of halitosis that radiates from six cubicles away. The girls and I have to take turns sitting beside her at lunch because it truly makes one lose their appetite, except for the receptionist who would lick a chicken wing covered in shit.

Our new hire came over to my desk to ask if I wanted to go to Moe’s. Despite the fact that her breath almost sent me into shock, I obliged. I proceeded to get my fake Dior and head out the door when Bloomie ran from behind, “do you guys care if I tag?” Being the nice person that I am, I allowed the fiasco to continue into public, not thinking of the innocent children.

The lunch began with Bloomie ordering the most hearty burrito on the menu, while babbling about how much weight she had lost since she began running a mile after work. I wondered what metric system she was using to calculate her mile as Hot Breath began to order. I swear to the heavens the waiter’s eyes began to water. A cloud of heinous odor came from her mouth, destroying his hope of a pleasant afternoon, knowing that the smell was in his hair and clothes for eternity. A baby began to scream; an innocent child had been exposed. Why, God, why did I agree to this?

I ate so fast that I got heartburn. As the lunch winded down, I had a ciggy to calm the nerves. We were eating outside, so I lit up after everyone was done. Hot Breath shot me an odd look as I thought she finally might have smelled her own breath, she remarked, “don’t those cigarettes leave a bad taste in your mouth?

I must have looked as if I had seen a fucking ghost. I replied, “no, I just chew gum a lot.”

What the hell just happened? Hot Breath has no fucking idea that it smells as if someone had taken a massive shit in her mouth. I guess it is only fair that if you have the disease you are the only one that can’t smell it. It really represents the fact that life isn’t fair in the least bit.

After the hellacious lunch episode, we went back to the slave trade. As Hot Breath walked to her crusty smelling cubicle, I breathed in the only bit of fresh air left. Bloomie was talking about Hot Breath, but I wasn’t paying her any mind. Then I heard something about Hot Breath that infuriated me. Bloomie made the comment, “she would look so much better without her glasses.”

Taken back from her comment, I thought to myself, “if you ever feel compelled to tell me what would better my appearance, be prepared for a big ‘Fuck You.’ Instead, I said nothing to the Bitchy Bloomie, hoping she would disappear in Hot Breath’s after lunch cloud of brutal breath.

Another day, another damn dime. I decided that this was the first day of the rest of my life. Finally, something to look forward to.

I can only hope that you learned something from this installment of Bloomie and friends. To sum up today’s lessons….

Number one, purchase ear plugs if you are in an open cubicle environment.
Number two, if your breath is rank, do something about it for the sake of others around you. Number three, never lick a chicken wing smeared in shit if only for the mere fact that it is just very unattractive.

©2007 Jessica Smith