Welcome to Monday. I despise the very word, the very thought, the very day.
If only I had followed my true calling in life, unemployment.
I didn’t even put my bag down before I headed into the kitchen for my third cup of green tea. Dr. Phil had recently reported that by merely drinking five cups of green tea a day, one could loose five pounds in a month. Honestly, why that fat bastard was giving out advice on weight loss, I do not know. Regardless, I believed every word that talk show hosts spoke after 4pm; for some reason, any talk show host on before 4pm didn’t really hold any merit. No offense, Maury.
As I was dragging out the death march to my cubicle, I noticed Office Manager setting up someone new in the cubicle across from me.
“Oh, hell, no. Not today. Please tell me that you are just trying to be proactive by cleaning up empty workstations. I cannot handle someone knew today. I just fucking can’t. It is Monday morning, for Christ’s sake.”
“First of all, you are a dawn fool for thinking that there is anything proactive coming out of my beaver piss salary. And yes, the new assistant is starting today. I suggest you go add some Bailey’s to that coffee.”
“I told you I no longer drink that common folks morning wake up. I am now cleansing my body with Green Tea, the drink of true royalty.”
“You are full of shit. If you were striving for true royalty, you would have started my getting the hell out of this sweatshop.”
“Damn, right again, Ole Great One.”
This had really put an extra pile of shit on my already shitty day. I hate when someone new starts, especially if they are right across from me. That means that she will be asking me all of the “I’m new and don’t know where shit is” questions.
New Person Question 1: Where is the copier?
New Person Question 2: Can you tell me how to work the postage machine?
New Person Question 3: Whom do you work for? What exactly do you do?
Question 3 is where I take it upon myself to give the “New Person” speech that goes something like this………..
“Well, I do whatever my pathetic boss tells me to do. That usually ranges from faxing to fucking giving a shit about his two ugly kids and their stupid futures. I suggest you do the same thing. By the way, welcome to the first day of the rest of your life. Any more questions, don’t hesitate to ask someone else.”
New Person walks in just as I go to get my fourth cup of Royalty. To my surprise, I have never smelled something so much like my high school existence. As she walked past me, I inhaled a bottle of Aussie. She had taken her entire head of hair and dipped it into a can of Aussie. I was sure of it. I even looked for the little kangaroo to jump out of her belly.
I immediately introduced myself and showed her through the gates of hell. She began decorating her cubicle with pictures of her as a fat girl and her as a skinny girl.
New Girl speaks, “This is for inspiration when I crave a chocolate snack. I lost over 150 pounds on the Akins diet.”
That explains why she was filling her desk drawer with Beef Jerky and Bacon Bits.
New Girl continues to speak, “I even wrote Oprah a letter telling her my secret. Can you believe that she wrote me back within two weeks congratulating me on my accomplishment? What a great woman and role model!”
“I’m sure Oprah’s assistant would love to her that. Gotta get to work. Have a great first day. If you have any questions, Office Manager would be happy to help you.”
Office Manager instant messages, “Bitch.”
What a great Monday.
For all of you who have first days, please take some advice from me.
Number one, never believe a fucking word Dr. Phil says. I have not lost any weight and now I have brown teeth like the Brits. Number two, never use hair products with a kangaroo mascot or show a fat picture the first day, neither are good first impressions. Number three, don’t ask anyone where the copier is. It is big enough that you can find it yourself. Finally, number four, Oprah doesn’t even wipe her own ass, much less write people thank you letters.
©2007 Jessica Smith
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